Naughty But Nice

Gym and Tonic by John Godber

Derby Playhouse, 1996

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE HYDRO

The rich have always had the means to indulge themselves when it comes to health. For one thing it’s a statement of wealth and position, and in past centuries it was always the idle rich who needed it least who spoilt themselves most – if only because most of their ills like gout and obesity came from over-indulgence in the first place. These days a visit to a health farm is still deemed a luxury (unless of course there is a medical imperative involved), and though you have to pay through the nose for what you get, at least you get what you pay for. 

The Romans in Britain

It started with the Romans, and they had a phrase for it – mens sane in corpore sano, a healthy mind in a healthy body. One of the most body-conscious cultures in the ancient world, they had already raised the custom of bathing to a fine art before they arrived on these shores in the final century before Christ. Although it took nearly two thousand years for the habit of regular bathing to catch on with the natives, the Romans themselves were making free with the health-giving properties of spa and spring from the moment their sandals touched sand.

The early bathing complexes they established, of which Bath (Aquae Sulis) is one of the best preserved, were a masculine environment where work and pleasure could be combined. As well as offering exercise, a warming workout for the muscles, and the deeply sensual pleasure of being gently steamed to a state of torpor in the warm rooms, they were also a place where business could be conducted. Lounging, lolling or lazing about in the reliably consistent temperatures of the natural hot springs, the Roman administrators could discuss politics, strike deals, exchange a bit of colonial tittle-tattle and generally carry on the provincial business of the day in a highly congenial environment.

A couple of millennia on, the modern equivalent of the Roman bath might be the squash club or the golf course, where sometimes it seems more business gets done than in the boardroom. But the health spas and hydros so popular with the hard-pressed wheeler-dealers of today are no less an extension of this early imported desire to chill out with the help of a few hundred gallons of H2O. That’s why most of them provide as part of the package a lavish array of sporting facilities where the holidaying executive can still get a bit of work done if he wants to while simultaneously pursuing a healthy pastime., On the other hand, for those middle management types who just want to flop into a coma after being too stressed for too long, the place will be a heaven-sent haven of peace in which to unwind. 

And for Madam?

On the distaff side, from the 17th century onwards the health spas of Europe have been the equivalent of the village well for the wives of the wealthy. Here they would gather to swap gossip, compare jewellery, and indulge themselves. In this country the vogue reached its peak in the Victorian era, when other towns besides Bath discovered they had highly lucrative water supplies available on their doorsteps too: Harrogate, Cheltenham, Tunbridge Wells and Leamington, with their tea shops and high-Victorian architecture, all share that air of gentility and the glamour, slightly faded now, of an empire in its heyday.

These days the establishments that cater for the needs of the distressed (or at least stressed-out) businessperson are invariably large converted country houses with extensive grounds. There are practical reasons for this: the bedrooms will be on a scale consistent with the most luxurious hotels, while the grounds provide the ample acreage needed to house croquet lawns, golf holes and tennis courts. Recent renovation will have further liberated several other large rooms for indoor recreation. As the place will be set in the country away from the stresses and strains of the city (although easy access to the motorway will be one of the selling points in the brochure), the visitor will be able to unwind in rural tranquillity while the beauty of the palatial edifice might even give them a subconscious goal to aim for once they get back to their own desk. 

The way to a better you

The first step once you arrive inside the doors is a consultation with the various heads of department in order to find out what your personal goals are and how best to achieve them – a bit like a management meeting any day of the week, in fact, A careful screening of your overall level of fitness will then help to decide what it is safest and best for you to undertake.

You can be as active or as supine as you want. Some places specialise in relaxing therapy only – beauty treatments, baths, massage and the like – though the trend these days, certainly among the biggest, is to provide as broad a range of services as possible, so as to attract the maximum of their potential market.

In the relaxation department the emphasis is very much on letting others do the work. From facials to manicures, aromatherapy and detoxification treatments, all are designed to ease the burden of responsibility from your shoulders. Sunbeds are on hand to make it look as if you can afford either an off-season break in one of the world’s hotspots, or a stay in a health resort offering sun treatment. All you have to lose is the natural elasticity of your skin…

The gym will be fully equipped with all the latest cycling, jogging and rowing machines, all designed to help you get the best tone-up for your body without actually having to step outside into the fresh air to go cycling, jogging or rowing. The pool of course will also be indoors and heated – unless it’s outdoors and heated – and the best resorts will also offer any number of variations on the basic aquatic experience. Modern technology has found ways of making water do more than the fountain technicians of Versailles ever dreamed possible. You can try jacuzzis, whirlpools, plunge baths, not to mention saunas where the stuff has been converted into steam so you don’t even need to try to stay afloat in it (sexes segregated, of course, to eliminate any danger of counter-productive over-stimulation). One of the latest gimmicks is the flotation tank, wherein you lie back alone supported on billows of salt-stiff water in womb-like silence. 

Look good, feel great

As for cuisine, you can expect the best. The image of the fat farm serving nothing but a glass of water and a lettuce leaf for lunch is a bit passé. Nowadays nouvelle cuisine may mean you get portions no bigger than that, and it costs just as much as a five-course meal, but on the other hand just look at the shine on that cutlery!

Once the inner you has been calmed down and toned up, the outer you is also given the opportunity to clothe itself in all manner of latest leisurewear, not to mention beauty products to take away. Mens sana in corpore glorioso is the message.

There are inevitably restrictions in most places. Your average health farm is not, after all, Butlin’s. Many operate an age limit, banning under-16s or -18s. Smokers, “although welcome”, are confined to the designated smoking zones like out of doors. And since the resort is neither a crèche nor a boarding kennels, they don’t admit babies or pets. The last thing any strung-out exec wants is a bawling brat or a howling hound coming through the flock wallpaper at two in the morning.

The thing is not to expect miracles. A stay at a health farm is generally so short (short because expensive: expensive, therefore short) that you can’t expect any instant improvement to your fundamental well-being. But it can point the way towards a healthier lifestyle. Meanwhile, the period of pampering you will have undergone should allow you to return refreshed to the fray, feeling more relaxed, looking fitter, and with a more positive self-image than you had going in. It sounds good and must feel even better. In fact, it sounds so wonderful only one question remains: where’s that credit card?

PS

What makes you think I’ve never been to a health resort?

It’s certainly not the case that one has not suffered stress in one’s own life – who hasn’t? – but at what point does such stress become a danger to one’s health and sanity? And if it does, who among us is likely to have enough money and freedom to do something about it? And who gets to make that call anyway – the stressee themselves? Or a kindly, knowledgeable professional, assuming you can afford to consult one? (It’s probably wise not to trust the opinion of that best mate whose main motive is tagging along with you just for a laugh with a bottle of vodka in their luggage.) But this piece was written for a comedy after all, hence the faint parody of the kind of terms the glossy brochures put out by these places might employ to sell themselves to an increasingly savvy market. And surely most of the audience were going to be in a similar position as the writer – health farm sceptics because they couldn’t afford it, or need it, or deserve it, or something.

I have had intermittent brushes with the high life, through the odd rich friend at uni and a couple of professional assignments (eg this one), but only enough to inoculate me against wanting any more of it. For one thing I feel embarrassed at being waited on hand and foot – I never have enough loose change about me to give appropriate tips – and I would live in terror of knocking something over as I would never be able to afford to pay for it. You need to be born to that kind of luxury and self-indulgence. Besides, you can’t build character out of candy floss. That’s what you need to keep telling yourself…