What the Dickens!
The pace must be as fast as possible, the story conveyed by grouping, movement, attitude, the doffing of a hat here, the donning of a cape there. None of the performers seems to stand still for a moment and it all gets very frantic and irritating. Plus, they sometimes get confused…
ACTOR 1 plays M1
ACTOR 2 plays M2
ACTRESS 1 plays W1
ACTRESS 2 plays W2
(A bare stage)
M1: (entering) My lords – !
W1: (entering) Ladies – !
M2: (entering) And gentlemen – !
ALL: Welcome!
W2: (entering late) Welcome! Sorry…
(They all start striding purposefully about)
M1: The Royal Shakespeare Company in conjunction with Channel Four, David Puttnam and Terry Wogan proudly presents –
W2: The second part of its nine and half hour version of –
M2: The life and curious adventures of –
(All halt – tableau)
M1: (Doffing hat) David Copperknob.
ALL: By Mister Charles Dickens.
(They all start striding about again)
M1: But first, a brief résumé of –
W1: The first part of –
M2: The life and curious adventures of –
(All halt – tableau)
M1: (Doffing hat) David Copperknob.
ALL: By Mister Charles Dickens.
(All stride about)
M1: My name is David Copperknob and one day I was born –
W1: (Childbirth) Ow, ow, ow.
(M2 pops his finger in his mouth. M1 appears between W1’s legs and doffs his hat)
W2: It’s a boy.
ALL: Huzzah!
M1: – in London.
All: (Tableau) London!
W1: Cockles!
M2: Mussels!
W2: Get your London Times!
M1: But my parents were very poor, and one day they sent my sister Emily off to fend for herself among the wicked byways of the teeming capital.
M2: Emily, your mother and me is sending you off to fend for yourself among the wicked byways of the teeming capital.
W1: (Emily) You don’t mean – ?
M2: Yes!
W1: Cockles!
M2: Mussels!
W2: Get your London Times!
W1: (Emily) What is a poor innocent girl to do abroad among the wicked byways of this teeming capital?
M2: Hello, my dear.
W1: An actor-manager with a walking stick and gloves!
M2: How would you like to go on the stage?
ALL: (Tableau) The stage! (Singing) There’s no business like show business.
M1: So my sister Emily went on the stage while the next day I was sent for my education to the grim pile known as Dothetwist Hall –
ALL: Amo, amas, amat.
M1: Presided over by the evil tyrant Wakefield Skewers –
M2: (Skewers) Har har!
M1: And his even more evil wife, Mrs Skewers.
W2: (Mrs Skewers) Har har har!
M1: It was a woeful, repetitive life we led as pupils –
ALL: Amo, amas, amat.
M1: Until one day I made a close friend, an idiot called Spike.
M2: (Spike) Amas, amamus, Adam Ant, hur hur hur.
M1: Hello, I’m David Copperknob, the new boy.
M2: I’m Spike, the idiot. Will you be my close friend?
M1: Until hell freezes over and beyond, Spike!
ALL: Huzzah!
M1: But one day our close friendship drew the suspicions of Mrs Skewers.
(M1 starts buggering M2)
W2: Skewers? That new boy Copperknob seems to be getting mighty thick with Spike.
M2: You leave him to me, my dear. I know how to deal with fine young gennelmen from London.
W1: Cockles!
M2: Mussels!
W2: Get your London Times!
M1: So the years passed, each more woeful and repetitive than the last.
ALL: Amo, amas, amat.
M1: Until one day –
M2: (Skewers) Copperknob! I need a new teacher. How would you like t’job?
M1: I would like it very much, sir.
M2: Pay will be two pennies a month, payable in arrears.
ALL: Huzzah!
M2: Starting in 1947.
ALL: Boo!
M1: It was a woeful repetitive life I led as a teacher –
ALL: Amo, amas, amat.
M1: Until one day –
M2: (Spike) Please sir, I want some more. (pause) Oh, that’s me. (Skewers) No more in this pot, laddie, this is all gruel.
(Spike) But I only want a little more.
(Skewers) You cheeky little brat, bend over. (He begins beating himself, awkwardly) Take that, and that.
(Spike) Ow, ow, ow.
M1: I could stand the sight of this despicable spectacle no longer. Mr Skewers, I can stand the sight of this despicable spectacle no longer.
M2: You hold your tongue. (Beats himself some more) Ow, ow, ow.
M1: I will not. (He begins beating M2) Take that, and that.
M2: Ow, ow, ow.
ALL: Huzzah!
M1: Come on, Spike, we are leaving this place for good.
ALL: For what?
M1: Sorry, for London!
W1: Cockles!
M2: Mussels!
W2: Get your London Times!
W1: On the way, David and Spike had a bit of a chat.
M1: Has no one ever shown you the slightest consideration or kindness, Spike?
M2: Only you, Mr Copperknob.
M1: I vow that from this day forward no man shall ever raise his hand against you again – including you – until hell freezes over and beyond.
ALL: Huzzah!
M2: Hur hur hur. But what are we going to do?
M1: We shall go on the stage!
ALL: (Singing) There’s no business like show business.
W2: So they went on the stage and soon became the talk of the West End.
M1: (Front legs of pantomime horse) I say I say I say, what is the difference between (Bangs foot once) and (Bangs foot twice)?
M2: (Back legs) I don’t know, what is the difference between (Bangs foot once) and (Bangs foot twice)?
M1: Why – (Bangs foot once by way of the punchline)
ALL: Boom boom!
W1: Huzzah!
W2: Meanwhile, the cruel hand of fate had stepped in to thwart Emily.
M2: (Actor-manager) Well, my dear, since you won’t sleep with me I’m going to send you off to fend for yourself.
W1: You don’t mean – ?
M2: Yes!
W1: Cockles!
M2: Mussels!
W2: Get your London Times!
W1: What is a young girl to do?
M1: You could always work in a shop.
M2: So Emily went to work in a shop.
W1 Hello, is this a shop?
W2: Yes, would you like to work in it?
W1: Yes please.
M2: Meanwhile, the wicked foot of destiny had turned full circle on David.
W1: Will you help me with my corsets, Mr Copperknob?
M1: Yes, all right –
W2: Tie up my slip, Mr Copperknob?
M1: Yes, in a minute –
W1: Stick your knob in my ear, Mr Coppertongue – I mean –
M2: (Spike) It’s OK, Dave, I’ll get this one…
W1: Until one day –
M2: (Actor-manager) Mr Copperknob, I will brook no dalliance in my flies, let alone yours. You’re fired.
M1: Spike, we must leave the stage.
ALL: Boo!
M1: We must away to –
M2: London?
W1: Cockles!
M2: Mussels!
W2: Get your London Times!
M1: Worskop!
(Pause. How the hell do you do Worksop?)
W1: (Inspiration) Yorkshire pudding!
M2: Tripe and onions!
W2: Get your Worksop Evening News!
M1: Meanwhile, business was booming for Emily, and one day –
M2: (Dandy) Hello, I would like to buy something.
W1: Well, sir, you’ve come to the right place.
M2: You look like a bright girl. Are you free for dinner?
W1: Are you rich?
M2: I’m rich.
W1: I’m free.
ALL: Huzzah!
W2: Meanwhile –
W1: Yorkshire pudding!
M2: Tripe and onions!
W2: Get your Worksop Evening News!
M1: Spike, I grow weary of workaday Worksop. We shall take ship for – America!
ALL: (Tableau) America!
M1: (prompting) On a ship!
W1: Hoist your mainsail!
M2: Splice your mainbrace!
W2: Get your ship newspaper!
W1: On the way, David and Spike had another chat.
(M2, as Spike, vomits over the side)
M1: Have you never been on a ship before, Spike?
M2: Only with you, Mr Copperknob.
M1: I vow that from this day forward you will spend your every waking moment on a ship until hell freezes over and beyond!
ALL: Huzzah!
M2: Oh shit… (Vomits again)
M1: Then one day we arrived in America.
ALL: (Singing) I like to be in America.
W2: Meanwhile, the forces of misfortune had conspired to cast Emily down once more.
M2: (Dandy) You’re three and a half months what?
W1: You have taken advantage of my poor innocent nature among the wicked byways of this teeming capital. I demand crèche facilities.
M2: I cannot afford a scandal. I shall send you off to fend for yourself among the –
(W1 shoots him)
ALL: Huzzah!
W1: No policeman in the world would arrest me.
M1: (Police siren) Na na, na na. Emily Copperknob, you are under arrest.
ALL: Boo!
W1: No jury in the world would convict me.
M1: Guilty!
W2: Guilty!
M2: Guilty!
ALL: (Pointing at her) Guilty! Boo!
W1: No judge in the world would sentence me to death.
M2: Emily Copperknob, I sentence you to death.
ALL: Boo!
W1: No jail in the world is like the Scrubs.
ALL: (Tableau) The Scrubs!
W2: Meanwhile –
W1: Peanuts!
M2: Hamburgers!
W2: Get your American Evening Post!
M1: Spike, I don’t like America. We shall return to London!
W1: Cockles!
M2: Mussels!
W2: Get your London –
M1: – via Mexico.
(Slight pause)
W1: Tortillas!
M2: Mañanas!
M1: And India!
W1: Popadoms!
M2: Vindaloos!
M1: Taking in Australia –
W1: Wombats!
M1: Africa –
M2: Giraffes!
M1: And Iceland!
(Silence)
W2: (Inspiration) Get your Reykjavik Gazette!
(It starts speeding up now till the end)
M2: But once back in London –
W1: Cockles!
W2: David and Spike bought a copy of The Stage –
ALL: (Singing) There’s no –
W1: And read in it that Emily’s life story was to be turned into a musical by Gilbert and Sullivan.
ALL: (Singing) I am the very model of a modern major general.
M1: Spike, we must save Emily! But how?
W1: The bars are high.
M2: The walls are ill.
W2: And Spike is thick. No, hang on…
W1: The walls are strong.
M2: The locks are ill.
W2: And Spike is high. No…
W1: The locks are strong.
M2: The walls are thick.
W2: And Spike is ill.
ALL: That’s it! Huzzah! (Spike vomits) No, sorry, boo!
(All stride about)
W1: But exactly how David sets out to rescue his sister –
M2: And how he cures Spike –
W2: And how they once again become the toast of London –
W1: Cock – !
M2: And the stage –
ALL: (Singing) There’s –
W2: And how they all survive the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883 –
ALL: Bang!
M1: We shall reveal –
W1: In the second part –
M2: Of the life –
W2: And curious adventures –
W1: Of –
(All halt)
M1: (Doffing hat) David Copperknob.
ALL: By Mister Charles Dickens. (They all collapse together in an exhausted heap) After the interval!
(They bow, link arms, embrace, invade the audience shaking hands, sweat, etc)