The Double Beaux, 1988
The Double Beaux
A Restoration Farce
CHARACTERS
Actor 1 plays
Blade, a valet de chambre
(no wig)
Sir John Bastard, an ageing rakehell
(white wig)
Actor 2 plays
Earnest, Sir John’s son
(brown wig)
Cocksure, twin brother of Earnes
(black wig)
Actress 1 plays
Lady Bellyfull, a dowager
(grey wig)
Pert, a maid
(no wig)
Actress 2 plays
Susanna, niece to Lady Bellyfull
(blonde wig)
Belinda, twin sister of Susanna
(black wig)
The characters of Blade, Sir John, Lady Bellyfull and Pert may be split between four performers, but it is preferable that they double up, if only for the hell of it. The two sets of twins must, however, be played by the same actor and actress.
SET
Apart from an elegant couch, doubling as a park bench, and a small table used in the scenes set in Lady Bellyfull’s lodgings, the only necessary piece of stage furniture consists of a tall framed structure which is in effect a large hollow box standing on its end. (For convenience we shall call it ‘the Cabinet’.) It is on wheels so that it can be revolved completely, but locked off when necessary – though, since it spends the whole play upstage centre and does not need to be moved about the acting area, it could even be on a revolve. Its four sides represent backdrops establishing where the scenes take place and are respectively:
1) curtains in a room at Sir John’s house, parting in the centre.
2) a park scene.
3) a closet at Lady Bellyfull’s lodgings, with practical functioning doors opening outwards.
4) a street scene.
Thus, backdrop 1 consists of real curtains, 2 and 4 can be painted cloth, but 3, the closet doors, must be solid and capable of being (slammed) shut, because the whole Cabinet doubles as a closet during several scenes. All four sides must allow access out the back and round to both entrances downstage right and left. In effect, this allows an actor to enter the Cabinet as one character then re-enter the playing area as a different one. This happens quite often…
Stage directions DSL, DSR, USL and USR mean, respectively, downstage left, downstage right, upstage left and upstage right. These need not be prescriptive, but are an indication of how the mechanics of exits and entrances can be effected when characters have to do a particularly quick-change behind the scenes.
(Pretty, late-17th century music plays as the audience take their seats. As it ends, lights up on a room in Sir John’s house. The curtains of the Cabinet upstage centre suddenly part, revealing Blade. He emerges, closing the curtains behind him, and bows elegantly to the auditorium)
Blade Tis oft well-said the business of the stage
Is first to hold a mirror to its age,
Where men may read in gurnings and grimaces
The true reflection of their own bland faces.
Wherefore, therefore, do we today appear
Bewigged and rigged in Restoration gear?
Because, dear friends, all human vice infernal,
No less than heav’nly good, is sempiternal,
And all that Pepys and Charles the Second knew
In this our year of grace holds just as true.
So, though you may think us a bunch of wallies,
Remember you’ll be laughing at your follies,
Since just as strippers by men’s lusts do thrive,
So artists, by such faults in man, do – er – lyve.
Anyway, you get the idea. Our scene is London, towards the end of the seventeenth century. Act One. (He closes the curtains on the Cabinet) A chamber at Dunroisterin, the home of Sir John Bastard, my master. Yet such a growling, scurrilous dog is he that I cannot bear to be in the same room as him above a minute. Soft, here he comes.
(Exits DSR)
(Pause)
(Enter USL Sir John)
Sir John Pox o’ this ageing carcass! Time was, I could have been off and on faster than the king changing mistresses. Speaking of which, plague take this interfering Lady Bellyfull! Five years widowed, yet not a day passes but that she doesn’t pursue me, pestering for marriage. Here she comes now. God’s teeth, I barely have to mention the sow and the bacon is on the hoof.
(He starts making goutily for the exit DSR, but before he can get off, enter USL Lady Bellyfull)
Lady Bellyfull (Seeing him) Yoo-hoo! (Aside) Tis Sir John, my beau. Listen and observe how lovers pay court in society. (Aloud) Good morrow, Sir John.
Sir John Oink oink, madam.
Lady Bellyfull Ha ha ha! (Aside) You see how he joshes me, for fear his passion might o’ercome him and he compromise me in his boudoir. (Aloud) Faith, Sir John, you are full of wit this morning.
Sir John And you, madam, are full of something that only sounds like it.
Lady Bellyfull Ha ha ha! Heavens, Sir John, you make me split my sides, strap me backwards if ye don’t! Will you not come and take tea at Liberty Hall this afternoon, the better to split my nieces likewise?
Sir John Thy nieces, madam?
Lady Bellyfull Yes, they are come to town on a visit and chafe for amusement.
Sir John (Aside) Pox, I hear these nieces are two of the prettiest plump pullets in God’s farmyard. And I am not so foundered yet that I have forgotten quite how to pluck. (Aloud) Madam, if thy nieces crave a tickling, then I am your tool. I shall come this afternoon (Aside) or die i’the attempt, egad!
Lady Bellyfull Then I may await you anon, Sir John?
Sir John Till hell freezes over, madam.
(They make elegant obeisances to each other. Exit USL Lady Bellyfull. Sir John turns his final flourish into a rude gesture)
Sir John So, the runt of the last litter bids me view the choice farrow of the latest, does she? Oh
what a fateful lottery is this family farming! I too have ploughed and cropped twin offshoots as like in looks as two balls in a scrotum, yet their humours! One as wild and roistering as a stallion, the vilest rakehell, basest wastrel and bravest drinking companion a father could ever wish for, while t’other –
(Enter USR Earnest, examining a rose)
Earnest Good morrow, Sir John. What think ye to my rose?
Sir John (Aside) Guess which one didn’t run away to sea!
Earnest A noble bloom, is’t not? Tis the sole fruit of many months’ meticulous study and painstaking propagation.
Sir John I think this to your blooming rose, sir. (He grabs the rose, bites its head off, and hurls the stalk back in Earnest’s face)
Earnest I see my scientific researches still discomfit you a jot, father.
Sir John They discomfit me, sir, as the piles do the Prince of Wales. They are a right royal pain in the britches, sir.
Earnest But surely, Sir John, even you would not equate the study of the manifestation of God’s will through nature with the contents of the Prince’s lower apparel?
Sir John Tis the contents of your lower apparel, sir, which concern me more. And all the more since they seem to concern you so little. To think that a son of mine should spend more time peering down a microscope than prying up a skirt! Why, tis against nature, sir, and what is more, it offends against your family tradition.
Earnest But Sir John, the modern field of conquest is the savant’s laboratory, not the harlot’s boudoir. And would you have me offend against my own nature, sir, by adopting the mask of a philanderer simply to prove myself equal to my brother Cocksure?
Sir John And why not, sir? Just because the good Lord saw fit to place your head above your horn, you think the juxtaposition sacrosanct? In bellying, sir, the two are on a level – or had that phenomenon escaped your purview?
Earnest No sir, but neither has the observation that it is man alone among God’s creatures who can stand erect and thereby forge the discrepancy. I do but follow divine ordination.
Sir John Pox on your erection, sir.
Earnest (Aside) I admit that contingency also has kept me from the adulterer’s divan.
Sir John And pox on you too for thinking more to the husbanding of plant seeds than those of your own codpiece. I give ye good day, sir.
(Sir John exits DSR)
Earnest I fear tis his bowels again. Faith, I often wonder whether I am a true Bastard or not, I seem to have inherited so little of my parent’s colour, and even less of his choler. Yet here’s an interesting conundrum. Take yon doughty knight Sir John, as great a bastard by nature as he is by name. I myself have ever been as earnest in my general demeanour as in my nomenclature, whilst my brother, since christened Cocksure, has suited the action to the word at every opportunity. Tis alarmingly – nay, one might almost say dramatically – ironic. Hmm. Bastard. Interesting word. (He calls off) Blade?
(Enter USR Blade)
Blade Sir?
Earnest Blade, where’s my thesaurus?
Blade Is it in Greece, sir?
Earnest Stout Blade! Nay, I have merely been set musing of late how our very appellations seem to reflect our characters like quicksilver. Thinkst not thy handle too, Blade, redounds to thy flashing wit and biting repartee even as a great bell echoing in a belfry? (Pause) Blade?
Blade Oh pardon, sir, I was scratching my bottom.
Earnest (Crushed) Good, worthy Blade, you were ever the leaden boots on my more feverish flights of fancy.
Blade Tis my honour to serve, sir. Oh, Sir John bade me give you this. (Hands Earnest a letter) He said it was of vital moment, but not so important as to be worth putting up with your clumping company long enough to tell you in person.
Earnest (Reading) ‘Dear “son” – ’ (Aside) Oh, how those inverted commas pang me! (Reading) ‘– if ye haven’t sown some wild oats by this time tomorrow, I shall cut you out of my will lock stock and bollocks and ye may rot in your horticultural hell forever, signed, your unhappy open brackets, question mark, close brackets, father.’
Blade Hard Jarlsberg, sir.
Earnest On the contrary, Blade, this is wonderful news! My father has taken an interest in my botanical studies at last! I must despatch to the corn market to purchase some wild oats.
Blade Excuse me, sir, but I believe Sir John intends you to sow seeds of a different nature.
Earnest You mean any genus of cereal derivative? He clearly says ‘oats’ here –
Blade No, sir. Women.
Earnest Women? Oh but Blade, this is terrible. Women are to me like ice, they make me stammer and freeze up. Besides, I haven’t spoken to a woman since the day my poor dear mother passed over.
Blade Indeed, sir? And without wishing to stress the psychological connection to an anachronistic degree, might I ask what were the words you used on that occasion?
Earnest ‘Mother, be careful you don’t step into the path of that galloping h-h-h-.’ She was paste before I could finish the sentence.
Blade A black day for us all, sir.
Earnest Blade, I am undone. If I were to lose my inheritance, I would have no means by which to pursue my researches. Besides, if the Royal Society were to get wind I had been whoring about town like my brother in his youth, my chances of a Fellowship would be dashed for sure.
Blade I have just the wrinkle, sir. (Fetches a black wig from the Cabinet) Thy brother’s old peruke. Now should your philandering be reported to the king, he would merely assume it was master Cocksure returned from the sea for a space and up to his old tricks.
Earnest Blade, I grant we are as like as looks as two microbes on a slide, but I have none of my sibling’s guile or wit. I would be found out in a moment.
Blade Then dissemble, sir. Play the gallant. Be all the women of the town would have you, just until you have satisfied Sir John that he has raised a hero, not a husk.
Earnest This likes me not, Blade. We are what we are, and Mother Nature reserves her harshest redress for those who would meddle with her decrees.
Blade Pray leave your philosophising for another day, sir, we have fleshier matters afoot. For now just put this on your head (Hands him the wig) and yourself in my hands, and we shall set off presently in search of game.
Earnest Could we not set off sooner than that? I have only twenty-four hours.
Blade Nay, sir, ‘presently’ is Restoration-speak for straightaway.
Earnest (Dubious) I fear, Blade, in the offing I foresee
Confusion, grief, and grave discordancy.
(Exits DSR)
Blade Let us hope so, sir, else we have brought these good people here under false pretences. (To audience) Act Two, scene one. A room in Liberty Hall, Lady Bellyfull’s lodgings in Piccadilly.
(Blade revolves the Cabinet to reveal the closet doors, sets couch, then exits DSR)
(Enter USR Lady Bellyfull and Susanna)
Lady Bellyfull Tell me, Susanna, what think you to men in general?
Susanna They give me the willies, madam.
Lady Bellyfull Tis true, niece, they would give all girls willies if we did but let ’em. That is most of their function and all of their intent. But I promised thy dear mother that so long as you are in my charge, you and your twin shall remain as pure as a Vestal’s virginals.
Susanna Faith, madam, you need have no fears on my account. My botanical studies provide ample employment for my time. I have no interest in aught which lacks stalk or stamen.
Lady Bellyfull These town bucks, Susanna, have stamens of a different stamp, and would stalk you will you or no. I charge you be in your guard.
Susanna I shall, aunt. Now may I to my herbarium? My thyme is up betimes and I fear tis an unhealthy symptom.
Lady Bellyfull Yes, run along, child. Though I prithee be not over-anxious. My times were always irregular at your age.
Susanna (Aside) What can the lady mean?
(Exits DSL)
Lady Bellyfull Strange girl. God a-mercy for Belinda, who lacks even this vegetable vice! Just a few more years of her aunt’s ruthless tutelage in the ways of this wicked world, and she’ll be turning men’s heads as easily as her sister currently turns their stomachs. Speaking of which I must now go primp in preparation against Sir John’s arrival. ’Twould never do to have him walk in and catch me elbows-deep in my toilet.
(Exits DSR)
(Enter USR Belinda carrying a small pamphlet and a hand mirror)
Belinda If anyone were ever to tell me that to be tired of London is to be tired of life, I should beat him to death with his own tome. God’s teeth, even the squibs conspire to depress the spirits. (Reading from the pamphlet) ‘Item: Why do they call London the capital? Riposte: Because it never rains there, but to cap it all, it pours.’ (She tosses the pamphlet contemptuously aside) God be praised, the hour for my daily devotions has arrived not a moment too soon. (She sits, composes herself, then looks in the mirror. She suddenly screams and calls) Pert! I am in pickle! Pert? Oh, where is the girl? Rollicking with some horny-handed menial, I’ll warrant, lucky cow! Pert!
(Enter USR Pert)
Pert Mistress Belinda, what ails thee?
Belinda A pock, Pert! I have a single pustule flawing my flawless complexion!
Pert (Peering closely at Belinda’s face) Nay, madam. Tis but the beauty-spot you donned this morning.
Belinda So tis. Plague o’ this poxy fashion to give me pause so. What be the point of it, Pert?
Pert Why, madam, tis but the imperfection that makes for perfection. Tis designed to knock thy gallants all of a heap.
Belinda Gallants? We have been in town upwards of a day already, and these eyes have not even seen a gallant, much less enflamed one.
Pert Nay, madam, I vouch you would only have to walk the streets and they’d be on you like a pack o’ spaniels.
Belinda Then if street-walking be the means to an assignation, Pert, lead me to’t. My sister may be happy with her herbarium, but I crave more carnivorous company.
Pert But madam, thy aunt, Lady Bellyfull –
Belinda Plague take her, and her constraints. God’s teeth, I am nearly reached the age of consent, tis high time I found someone suitable to consent to.
Pert But madam, if your aunt were to find out I was your accomplice –
Belinda Pert, if you do not help me in this enterprise, I shall inform Lady Bellyfull of a certain scene I witnessed played out between you and my uncle not five years since in the orangery.
Pert Madam – you wouldn’t!
Belinda Indeed I would, Pert. In despite of the fact that you were prepared to bend over backwards to serve the old gentleman while he was on a visit to his nieces, I’m sure my poor aunt would be most intrigued to discover how Lord Bellyfull came to die of an apoplexy with such an unwonted look of ecstasy on his face.
Pert Then if that be your intention, madam, I needs must help thee to t’other. Come, let’s to Graham Gardens. I warrant the beaux there shall have arrows to match your ardour.
Belinda Arrows, Pert?
Pert (Nudging her) Why, with which to prick you, madam.
Belinda (Coldly) Let’s hope that saucy tongue of yours speaks true,
Else that which killed my uncle damns you too.
(Exits DSR)
Pert Vindictive bitch! Scene two, Graham Gardens.
(She revolves the Cabinet to reveal a park scene, then exits DSR)
(Enter USL Blade)
Blade I think this about the likeliest spot, sir. Tis a walk well favoured by ladies of the town. Pray you – (Notices he is alone. Calls off) Master Earnest!
(Enter USL Earnest in black wig, carrying a big gaudy flower)
Earnest Blade, look at this! Tis a multi-floral verbinium with contra-veined leaf pattern and variegated foliage!
Blade (Snatching the flower and throwing it away) Prithee sir, leave your botanising alone for meter times. We are after hornier harvest than this.
Earnest Of course. Forgive me, Blade, I forgot myself.
Blade Just don’t forget all I taught you. If a lady take your fancy – ?
Earnest I must pursue her like flying pollen, snare her like a Venus flytrap, and press her to me like a crushed rose.
Blade And above all?
Earnest No farting.
Blade That’s my bully-pumper!
Earnest Thank you, Blade. I am grateful for this assistance.
Blade (Aside) Aye, but not half so grateful, I warrant, as thy father, who has promised me a fat bounty should I get you bedded afore bedtime. (Aloud) A lady approacheth. Come sir, let us secrete ourselves in yonder thicket the better to overview the passing show.
(They enter the Cabinet and peek out with their faces just visible)
(Enter DSR Susanna in black wig, carrying a trug of flowers)
Susanna This lucky gardening wig of mine has never brought me greater fortune! I have managed to collect a sample of almost every herb my collection so far lacks. Now, if only I could find – (Spots the discarded flower and snatches it up) – a multi-floral verbinium with contra-veined leaf pattern and variegated foliage! My collection is complete!
(Exits DSL)
(Earnest emerges from the Cabinet, staring after her)
Earnest Blade – I am in love!
Blade (Emerging) Already?
Earnest Unless I have died and gone to heaven, Blade, an angel walks on earth and I have seen her. And she knows flowers, Blade!
Blade Aye, twas a comely wench, I grant. Well, if you’re sure?
Earnest I’m sure! My gusset is all aglow!
Blade Then I prithee fly in pursuit, sir.
Earnest Accost perfection, Blade? Nay, I dare not.
Blade You must.
Earnest I can’t.
Blade Force yourself. Think of your inheritance. (Aside) And my bounty!
Earnest Nay then, I shall fly. (Lopes reluctantly off DSL, immediately comes tearing back on)
She is returning!
(Exits DSR, running)
Blade Master Earnest!
(Throws up his hands in despair, runs off after him DSR)
(Enter DSL Belinda and Pert)
Pert Now madam, the town gallants often stroll here of a morning, flouncing their finery. Pray conceal yourself in yonder thicket and I’ll convey your billet to whatever passing buck raises your blood.
Belinda Good, Pert. But I warn you, I would not throw myself at just any lusty lord. What bull I choose needs must be of a pedigree to match my own stock ere he aspire to my stockings.
Pert Graham Gardens is the choicest cattle market in town, madam. Now prithee hide, I hear someone approaching.
(Belinda enters the Cabinet, peeking out)
(Earnest dashes on DSR)
Earnest (To Pert) Lovely day.
(Exits DSL)
(Belinda emerges from the Cabinet)
Belinda He’ll do. Convey this note to him immediately.
(She tosses the note over her shoulder to Pert and exits USR)
Pert Yes, my lady. I use the term in its loosest sense. (Goes to exit DSL after Earnest, then notices her shoelace is undone. Bends to tie it up)
(Enter DSR Blade)
Blade (Aside) Out o’pise! I would know these buttocks anywhere. The chase must wait whilst I tarry a jot with my old heart’s flame. (He creeps up on Pert and slaps her backside) Good morrow, Pert!
Pert What the – Blade!
Blade After all this time, you remembered. Ah, my little peach-cheeked nymph, we have not fallen together these twenty years. Come, let’s to yonder thicket for a quick reunion tumble.
Pert Stand off, sirrah! Dost think such abstinence has made my maidenhood soften?
Blade I know only that it has made my manhood grow hard. Since the day you left for Cheltenham to serve my Lady Bellyfull’s nieces, I have led a monkish existence. Come, will ye not crack ope the cell and release the old one-eyed hermit?
Pert Stay thy ground, rogue-face, I am too busy now to countenance you.
Blade Why, what be the matter?
Pert The matter be, my mistress Belinda has charged me deliver an invitation to dalliance to some passing tom-about-town, and if I don’t find him straight, twill go hard with me. He passed by not upward of one minute since and I must away on his heels on my toes.
Blade Tall chap? Black wig?
Pert Know you him?
Blade He is the son of my master, Sir John. But I fear this note comes too late. Not upward of two minutes since he has fallen enamoured of some passing lady.
Pert What stamp of lady?
Blade A body like crushed peaches, eyes that could enflame the Pope, hair black as a sable’s shadow.
Pert Belinda again!
Blade Nay!
Pert Indeed!
Blade Straight?
Pert Up!
Blade Then our several commissions dovetail into one. Mistress Pert, if we conjoin to bring this matter off between niece and son, then you will be relieved of your burden, and I released from my penury. We could marry at last!
Pert Oh Blade!
Blade Oh Pert!
(They embrace)
Pert Here’s the note. (Gives Blade the note)
Blade Here’s a kiss. (Kisses her)
Pert Here’s another. (Kisses him)
Blade Here’s a thicket. (Starts dragging her to the Cabinet)
Pert (Looking off) Here’s an officer of the watch!
Blade Here’s where we must part…
Pert At Liberty Hall today with our own eyes
We’ll watch the flow’ring of our enterprise.
(Exits USR)
Blade Scene three. The Strand.
(Revolves Cabinet to street scene. Exits DSL)
(EnterDSR Earnest, still in black wig)
Earnest Plague o’ this daffodil heart! Tis pure and strong, but incurable yellow. Had I but my brother’s tongue, I could turn my lady’s mind with no end of wit and fancies, and reveal to her the true extent of my soft attachment. But what of that? I shall never see her more! Oh – !
(And he is exiting DSL on a swearword when enter DSL Susanna, still in black wig. They collide. He is winded, her flowers go all over the floor)
Susanna Oh, forgive me, sir. I was paying more attention to my roots than to my route.
(Earnest retrieves the flowers, indicating in mime it was nothing)
What ails you, sir? Can you not speak?
(Earnest seizes the opportunity not to have to trust his voice. He makes an elaborate dumbshow with the flowers)
What, sir? You have swallowed a bee? … A flower?
(Earnest sneezes)
Oh, pollen! Pardon, sir, tis a noisome substance to those who are not used to it.
(Earnest indicates to the contrary)
Oh, you are used to it? You mean, you are a botanist yourself, sir?
(Earnest nods, yearningly)
(Aside) My heart has slipped its leash and runs barking mad! (Aloud) And do you have a large collection, sir?
(Earnest mimes enormous)
(Aside) The man is a god! (Aloud) Then sir, pray think me not too forward, but if I were to show you mine, might you perhaps condescend to show me yours?
(Earnest nods frantically)
Then pray, sir, come to Liberty Hall this afternoon. My hothouse will attend your pleasure.
(Earnest gives thumbs up and exits DSL, waving)
I am lost! A fellow flower-freak! And so gentle with it! So tender, so quiet, so –
(A great whoop of exultation from Earnest in the wings)
– musical.
(Exits DSR)
(Enter USR Blade)
Blade I have searched the streets till my feet hum, yet still no sign of the cowardly wretch. I must rest me awhile else I shall have nothing left in store for Pert.
(Enter USL Cocksure)
Cocksure Blade!
Blade Sir! At last! Where have you been?
(Cocksure goes to reply)
Nay, sir, leave that for the nonce. I have happy news for thee. (Hands him Belinda’s note) A lady of our acquaintance has bade me give you this.
(Cocksure goes to reply)
Nay, there is no time. Do you but gird up your loins against this afternoon (Aside) whilst I go do the same with mine.
(Cocksure goes to reply)
Nay, spare your thanks, sir. My sole reward shall be to see you make hay of your wild oats (Aside) whilst I gather in the dough from thy father. (Aloud) Till anon then, sir. This day, I warrant, shall furnish rich pickings for thee.
(Exits DSL)
(Cocksure stares after him for a moment, then opens the note)
Cocksure (Reading) “Sir, if you would blaze with a lusty young wench, bring ramrod and balls to Liberty Hall this afternoon where a gaping barrel awaits thee, signed, a lusty young wench.” Hah! Stout Blade! He has not clapped eyes on me these six years, yet on our first encounter he goes straight to the business. Ah, London! Fairest of cities and greatest of brothels! Too long have I been away from thee, old sod, but whilst my ship is in port, the sewers shall shake to my deeds once more or my name isn’t Cocksure Bastard! Which it is! Huzzah!
So let’s now off to Liberty Hall to see
What filthy fumblings lie in wait for me.
(Exits DSR)
(Enter USR Pert)
Pert Act Three. Liberty Hall. The lodgings of Lady Bellyfull.
(She revolves the Cabinet to reveal closet doors, sets a couch, and a small table next to it. Exits DSR.)
(Enter USL Sir John)
Sir John Pox, Daniel braved the lion’s den with no less trepidation than I do this next of pork. The nieces needs must be prime piglets indeed to make me thus beard the sow in her own sty. Soft, her trotters approach. God’s teeth, if it be the big grunter herself, I am not yet of a mettle to meet her. Nay, let discretion be the better part of venality for once. Into the closet with ye, Sir John.
(Enters the Cabinet, closing doors behind him)
(Enter USR Pert and Susanna now in her own blonde wig. Pert carries a tray with a port bottle and two glasses which she puts on the table)
Pert And what will you do to beguile the afternoon, mistress Susanna?
Susanna I fancy I shall keep to my herbarium, Pert. I have a tender bloom currently under nurture which perforce I must keep secret. Though if it bear fruit, I promise you will be the first to know of it.
Pert Good, my lady. Then you will not be in this room again above suppertime?
Susanna Your manner is coy, Pert. Do you perhaps have an affair of your own in prospect?
Pert Mistress Susanna! I am a lady in waiting. Whilst on duty I am as sexless as a doormat.
Susanna Ha ha ha! Your secret is safe with me, Pert. I wish you joy of it.
Pert And I you it of yours, my lady.
Susanna Come, help me on with my lucky gardening wig.
(Susanna and Pert exit DSL)
(Sir John emerges from the closet and helps himself to port)
Sir John Faith, if this be one of the nieces and the twin as like as I’ve heard tell, then I am in for as hot an afternoon’s sport as ever I had. Pox o’ these confounded waxy ears that I should not hear above two syllables of their debate! But twas sweet privy stuff to set a man athirst for t’ chase, I’ll warrant! Go thy way in trembling, proud pullet! A prouder cock struts after thy tail.
(Exits stealthily DSL)
(Enter USL Belinda in her own black wig with a mirror)
Belinda I shall take a moment ere my beau arrives to prepare the fifth column of my natural defences against the coming assault. With luck my maidenhood shall end with the afternoon. (Looks in the mirror) Nay, foolish Belinda! With looks such as these, Squire Luck need never be inconvenienced! (She sits on the bench, preening)
(Enter DSL Sir John, backwards)
Sir John (Aside) Pox o’ these mock Tudor mansions! A thousand corridors and not a one of ’em runs true. (He turns and sees Belinda, who has her back to him) But soft! The bonny broiler herself – and titivating in preparation, egad! My course hither may have been erratic enough, but the prize once discovered proves even more erotic than fancy could fashion. So, the bird is limed. I have but to delicately spring the trap. (He tiptoes across, then abruptly leaps on her) Ahah!
Belinda Mercy on us! Who are you?
Sir John An old dog, madam, up to his favourite tricks. Come, toss my bone and I’ll perform a feat for thee.
Belinda Never this side o’th’ grave!
(She struggles free. He pursues her about the room)
Sir John How now, I like a bitch with spirit. Woof woof, madam!
Belinda Nay sir, come to heel, I prithee!
Sir John Heel, madam? My goal nestles somewhat above that!
Belinda Nay then, if a cur will not sit of its own accord, one needs must help it to’t.
(She kicks him in the groin. He subsides groaning onto the couch)
Sir John Blood and thunder, she has fair drawn my teeth!
(Enter DSL Lady Bellyfull)
Lady Bellyfull Ah Sir John, have you been entertaining my niece?
(Sir John groans)
A beauteous vision, is she not? She has inherited my looks, I fancy, and not a modicum of my strength of character, too.
Sir John And whither comes the strength of her right leg, madam? A brewer’s dray?
Lady Bellyfull Ha ha ha! Did I not tell you, niece, Sir John would be a veritable cornucopia of delights?
Belinda A horn of plenty indeed, madam.
Lady Bellyfull Now pray leave us to our prattle. We have much to bandy about.
Belinda With pleasure, madam. (Aside) Though I would sooner bandy his legs for him again.
(Exits DSL)
(Lady Bellyfull sits next to Sir John. He slides away)
Lady Bellyfull Now come, Sir John. I dare venture you did not accept my invitation hither today simply to chaff my nieces. I flatter myself you would do more, would you not?
Sir John More than chaff that one indeed, madam. (Aside) Spank the hide off her, more like!
Lady Bellyfull And what of me, Sir John? What would you have of me?
Sir John Your hide also, madam. (Aside) Preferably hanging off my privy wall!
Lady Bellyfull I knew it! (She leaps on him) Sir John, I love you! Take me – hide, hair, warts and all!
Sir John (Aside) God’s teeth, the woman heaves like a hippo on heat!
Lady Bellyfull Whisper, beloved, those words which would make me the happiest woman on earth!
Sir John Curse your slavering, you blithering bile-bag, let me up! (He struggles free)
Lady Bellyfull Nay, come to my arms, my Hercules! My Agamemnon! My Zeus!
Sir John Never in a month of Sundays, madam!
(Exits DSL, hobbling)
Lady Bellyfull That’s right! Fly, my bull! I will be your Europa!
(She lumbers off DSL in pursuit)
(Enter USR Cocksure. He spots the port and helps himself)
Cocksure God a-mercy, alcohol! The labyrinth of the Minotaur would have nothing on this Liberty Hall. I have been here upward of an hour already and not whisker nor waft have I seen nor smelt of this lusty young wench that awaits me. But courage, Cocksure. Faint heart never won low lady. Let us press on and hope for relief round the next corner.
(Exits DSL)
(Enter USR Pert and Blade)
Blade Is all prepared then, Pert?
Pert Aye, our plans are proceeding smooth as milk and here is the room set aside for their tryst.
Blade Then let’s you and me secrete ourselves in yonder closet, the better to witness their coming together.
Pert Why, you voyeuristic old dog, you. Should you like to be observed so?
Blade Yes, I like that sort of thing.
Pert Then like it alone, sirrah. I’ll not into the closet with thee.
Blade Too late, the lovers approach.
Pert Aw, shame.
(They enter the Cabinet together, giggling)
(Enter USL Belinda and Earnest in black wig. She is at first tentative, then relieved to find the room empty)
Belinda Pray enter, sir. God a-mercy the field has been left free for worthier warriors such as ourselves. (Sits on couch)
Earnest What mean you, madam?
Belinda I mean my old aunt and her bedraggled old beau were here but a moment since, settling no doubt to a coupling that would be as uncomely as the co-mingling of elephants.
Earnest Surely elephants, madam, are no less a lovesome sight when yoked by Cupid’s bow than any other creature?
Belinda Faith, sir, surely you would agree there can be no more gross a sight than aged lechery?
Earnest There can be no more gross a sight than lechery cold, madam, but love is love whatever the beast and whenever their season. Tis but nature’s way, and what is nature but beauty made flesh?
Belinda If Lady Bellyfull’s flesh be beautiful, sir, you may give me artifice every time. She is pasty as a pastry and prurient as a prune, and the sight only worsens the closer you get to it.
Earnest Nay, madam, any organism looked at closely proves itself not ugly, merely more fascinating in the construction of its components.
Belinda Ordure, sir.
Earnest Your pardon, madam?
Belinda Ordure is but one example which gives the lie to your theme.
Earnest And that wig of yours, madam, will give the lie to yours. Tis nothing but dead straw and string, and remains so, madam, even unto the umpteenth magnification, whilst a good deep bowl of manure under the microscope can reveal a whole insect universe of life and death, struggle and elation, triumph and tragedy to inspire the heart of any poet or philosopher. No artifice can better nature, madam, for as the one can only heap falsehood on falsehood, so the other does but compound beauty with truth.
(Belinda is a bit uncertain how to take all this)
Belinda Yes, well… (More brightly) Getting back to lechery… (She stretches out seductively on the couch)
Earnest Forgive me, madam but I am amazed that one I thought so steeped in nature’s highest manifestations should speak so damningly of its equally natural underbelly.
Belinda Come again?
Earnest I mean Graham Gardens, madam. Our intercourse on the street. Does the multi-floral verbinium with contra-veined leaf pattern mean nothing to you after all?
(Pause. She stares at him open-mouthed for a moment)
Belinda Methinks I have made a mistake, sir. (She stands) Prithee –
Lady Bellyfull (Off) Where are you hiding, beloved? Diana’s dart is waiting!
Belinda Heavens! Tis my aunt! She must not find you here.
Earnest Nay madam, I should like to meet the brave old soul.
Belinda Sir, we are unchaperoned. My reputation would be like to fall in tatters about mine ankles like a muff with the moth.
Earnest Tis true, madam, I would rather spill my best seed in a ditch of quicklime than have such a fate befall your moth. I mean, your muff. I mean, your reputation. What would you have me do?
Belinda Prithee conceal yourself in yonder closet.
Earnest This closet, madam?
Belinda Aye, the very same. And hurry, I beseech you.
(Together they each yank open a door of the Cabinet revealing Pert and Blade, locked in each other’s arms. Fortunately, neither Earnest nor Belinda notices them as they stand slightly behind the doors which conceal the Cabinet’s contents from them. During the following, Pert and Blade gradually become aware and succeed in silently pulling the doors closed again)
Earnest But what will you do in the meanwhile?
Belinda I will stand cave at the door and watch for her closer approach. (She moves to stand looking offstage)
Earnest (Approaching her, moving past the Cabinet) A good plan. I think t’will work.
Belinda I believe so too. But we must make haste, sir, lest all be lost.
Earnest Madam, I agree. My pitchy place of concealment doth e’en now await like the great gaping maw of –
Belinda (Urgently) Then I will see you anon, sir?
Earnest (Politeness standing in the way of common sense) Most assuredly, madam. Your hospitality thus far has not yet been repaid with the warm gratitude it warrants from me, your most humble of guests.
Belinda Then make haste, for all the saints!
Earnest I will despatch “presently”. Ha ha.
(With which he smartly turns to spring into the Cabinet and knocks himself cold on the unexpectedly closed door. He falls in a heap behind the couch)
Belinda Oh, why was I born so beautiful!
(She rushes over and bends down to tend him, effectively disappearing behind the couch too)
(Enter DSL Sir John wiping his brow on a gaudy lace handkerchief. He helps himself to port)
Sir John Damn gout! Time was I could have been in and out faster than a gigolo between tricks –
Lady Bellyfull (Off) I can see you, Sir John!
Sir John Then blast your eyes, madam! (Aside) – now I am hard put to it to even outrun this hungry hog.
(He tosses the handkerchief aside and exits DSR. Belinda pops her head up curiously for a moment, looking after the voice, then ducks down again in alarm as enter DSL Lady Bellyfull)
Lady Bellyfull Ah, how his coarseness only quickens my heart and spurs me faster t’th’chase! (She helps herself to port) Now if only it could quicken my legs as well I might catch the cur. (She spots the discarded handkerchief) Ahah! You can’t get away, Sir John! I am a turd, and your heels are where I am destined to stick!
(She exits DSR)
(Belinda helps a groggy Earnest to his feet)
Earnest Forgive me, madam. Where was I?
Belinda Talking manure, sir.
Earnest Yes, that sounds like me right enough.
Belinda But sadly we were interrupted by my aged aunt – (Earnest goes to speak) – whom, you will remember, no gentleman can afford to meet because of my reputation. (She spots the discarded handkerchief and disgustedly picks it up) And whose equally grisly suitor, it appears, would as lief treat this Liberty Hall as his own private compost heap.
Earnest Nay, madam, methinks I have seen this before.
Belinda We have all seen this before, sir. Don’t tell me you also profess to be an expert on –
Earnest (Interrupting) ’Snot what you think. I mean, I believe this is my father’s kerchief.
Belinda Then prithee think to his washerwoman, sir, and return it to the good old gentleman before he has need of it again. (She pushes him firmly towards the exit DSR)
Earnest I bid you farewell then, madam.
Belinda (Firmly) Goodbye, sir.
(Earnest exits DSR)
(Belinda sighs with relief and sinks down on the couch)
Sir John (Off) Pox, will these horrors never end?
(Enter DSR Earnest, running)
Earnest It is my father! He must find me here! Madam, may I join you on the couch?
(Without breaking stride he takes a flying leap through the air, but Belinda is too quick and darts smartly out of the way. Earnest crash-lands painfully on the couch)
Belinda What the – ? (Aside) The man is mad! (Aloud) Nay sir, whoever it was you had intercourse with on the street, I assure you twas not me. An’ if you think your talk may charm Lady Bellyfull out o’ her stays then pray tarry to attempt it, for ye may be assured, sir, twill never worm me out o’ mine!
(Exits DSL, running)
Earnest Nay madam, wait – (Aside) What have I done?
(Exits DSL, running in pursuit)
(Pert and Blade emerge from the Cabinet and help themselves to port. There is a frosty pause)
Pert Well, Blade?
Blade Well, madam?
Pert If the son, sir, had more of the father’s fire, we’d be quids in.
Blade And if thy mistress, madam, had more of the lusty young wench about her, ’twould not harm the business o’ermuch.
(They stand back to back, fuming. Pert is first to give in)
Pert It seems we should both best have another word with our champions else the match be botched. I’ll pursue my mistress straight and soothe her ruffled feathers, the better to resume the fray.
Blade And I shall meanwhile try and fetch back my master and tell him to beef up his presentation pronto, or the lady will be lost.
If only age could do and youth could know,
We might have had a more exciting show.
(Exits DSL)
Pert Act Four, scene one. The same, two seconds later.
(Exits DSL)
(Enter USL Cocksure)
Cocksure I have been here before – and no doubt will come again so long as the port holds out. (Helps himself to some) This lusty young wench must have perverse tastes indeed to delay the meet thus long. Still, on with the search. She cannot elude me forever.
(Exits DSR)
(Enter USR Susanna in black wig)
Susanna Pert? You gave me the wrong thing, this isn’t my lucky gardening wig, tis my sister’s – Pert? Oh of course, she must be entertaining her beau in a more commodious setting. I shall leave her to her pleasure and sit here quietly to await my own. (Pours port, reclines on couch)
(Enter DSR Cocksure)
Cocksure Ahah! At last!
(Susanna chokes noisily on her port)
Lusty young wench seeks ramrod, right?
Susanna Sir?
Cocksure Then sigh no more, sweet, your patience is rewarded. What say your lips to a quick frenching?
(Without breaking stride he takes a flying leap through the air, but Susanna is too quick and darts smartly out of the way. Cocksure crash-lands painfully on the couch)
Susanna Sir, this is my aunt’s lodgings!
Cocksure She’ll be joining us too, will she? (Aside) This likes me better and better!
(He goes for her again. She shrieks. He pursues her about the room)
How now? Modesty? No matter, feigned prudery always adds spice t’th’meat. (Aside) As if my meat weren’t spicy enough!
Susanna Is this the way gallants always disport themselves, sir, once given the entrée to a lady’s hearth?
Cocksure And what were you expecting, madam? A written agenda of my intent?
Susanna Nay, but I thought some flowers at least –
Cocksure Flowers, flirt?
Susanna When I saw you earlier it appeared the one thing we would have most in common. (Aside) He seems tense. Maybe the sight of my herbarium will ease his stiffness. (Aloud) Pray, leave off this rude assault, sir, and bethink you to balmier pastimes. Come, my hothouse stands open. Will you not enter and examine my buds?
Cocksure With all my tripes, madam! (He advances again)
(Susanna shrieks and runs off DSL)
This is more like it! All sail, Cocksure. You’ll soon be in dock now.
(Exits DSL)
(Enter USR Sir John, helps himself to port)
Sir John Pox, this is the heaviest day’s work I ever had in my life. Who’d have thought the old boiler to have such fire in her belly?
Lady Bellyfull (Off) Sir John!
Sir John And here she comes again! Pox, I can run no more. Let’s try a different tack.
(He enters the Cabinet, comes out immediately, grabs the port, and re-enters the Cabinet with the bottle)
(Enter USL Belinda)
Belinda He is but a pace behind me. I shall never trust Pert with any missive of mine again. But where to hide? Ahah!
(She enters the Cabinet. During the following scene, it begins to rock violently about, but neither Earnest nor Blade notices)
(Enter USL Earnest)
Earnest This room again! I have seen above a hundred this afternoon, each more similar than the last. If I don’t encounter my lady soon, I’ll never get a whiff of my inheritance, much less her herbarium.
(Enter DSR Blade)
Blade Master Earnest, I have found you at last.
Earnest Blade? What are you doing here?
Blade My utmost not to strangle you, sir. But for now if I may add one more jot to the heap of advice I have already vouchsafed you?
Earnest Yes, Blade. I own I could use all the help I can get.
Blade Then forget the chat, sir. Granted –
(There comes a sudden female squeak from the Cabinet, followed by a thud and a deep gonadal groan. Blade and Earnest pause for a moment, listening, then shake their heads and resume)
Blade Granted, some of these county women will melt for a meaningful argument or a gobful of gabble. Others, sir, won’t. Your lady is one such.
Earnest You mean I should simply have thrown myself at her feet?
Blade Not her feet, sir, what has she down there but toes? Go for the whole woman, man, in one fell swoop, else we’ll never get out of here.
Earnest I understand, Blade. I’ll try it.
Blade Then let’s after the lady before aught else can betray our cause. You go that way and I this.
(Exits DSL)
Earnest Stout Blade! You were ever the girthy beanpole bolstering up the flagging droop of my manhood! How I do thank ye for it, and I hereby vow that should ever my ambitions here today come up trumps –
Blade (Off) Get on with it!
Earnest Yes. “Presently.” Ha ha.
(Exits DSR)
(Belinda, wig and dress awry, tumbles out of the Cabinet)
Belinda For pity’s sake, even the closets ambush me now!
(Sir John lurches out after her, cheerfully waving the port bottle and cradling his injured groin)
Sir John Come, wench, the bottle is young and you are ripe for a corking!
Belinda Stuff your cork elsewhere, sir, for I warrant my bottle has gone completely!
(Exits running DSL)
Sir John Never fear, madam, for stroke me sideways if I ain’t developing a taste for your hot sweet tease as well! Two lumps with mine!
(Exits DSL)
(Enter DSR Earnest)
Earnest Nay, I shall await here the moment to put Blade’s advice into practice. The lady needs must come around again soon. (A thought occurs) Though if she come upon me too sudden, she might take fright. I had best conceal myself.
(Enters the Cabinet)
(Enter USL Susanna)
Susanna I think I am safe for the nonce. Oh, I will never trust a fellow flower-lover again. (Reclines on couch)
(Earnest bursts forth from the Cabinet)
Earnest Ahah!
Susanna You again!
Earnest At your service, madam.
Susanna Stay your ground, sirrah! I wonder you have the gall to address me again, in view of our previous encounter.
Earnest Yes, I could cut my tongue out for having bored you so with it. I know now tis not the way to treat a lady of your stamp.
Susanna Indeed it was not, sir. When we first met I thought you were a gentleman.
Earnest So I am, madam, and by your leave I should like to prove it.
Susanna How?
Earnest (Advancing boldly) By boring you with an organ of a different nature, perhaps?
(Without breaking stride he takes a flying leap through the air, but Susanna is too quick and darts smartly out of the way. Earnest crash-lands painfully on the couch)
Susanna Devil! Base seducer!
Earnest (Instantly contrite, though winded) I know, I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you how important it is that you succumb. An’t please you, I could provide you with a written agenda of my intent, then any item which offend you –
Susanna Never, importunate savage!
(She slaps his face and exits running DSL)
Earnest I’ve done it again.
Sir John (Off) Ahah!
Susanna (Off) (Shrieks)
Earnest Tis Sir John, and I am still without a woman.
(Enters the Cabinet)
(Enter DSL Susanna, running)
Susanna I am plagued by nightmare suitors! But neither, I warrant, would dare violate the sanctity of my herbarium. Fly thither, Susanna, and evermore rue the moment you ever did stray thence.
(Exits DSR)
(Enter DSL Sir John)
Sir John Faith, this is the bonniest day’s brothelling I ever –
Lady Bellyfull (Off) Sir John, pray tarry a moment!
Sir John But the old Nemesis is ever on my tail. Pox, loath as I am to abandon the chase, I needs must else these old bowels will burst with the trying. Still, so long as the aunt remains ignorant of my pursuit of them, the nieces can wait till another day. Hie thee home then, Sir John. This has proved a romp for the annals all ways up.
(Exits DSR)
(Enter DSL Lady Bellyfull, exhausted)
Lady Bellyfull Curse the dog! He is fled and I must own little good could come of it if I were to catch him now. Oh what fools we are for love! (Collapses on couch)
(Enter USL Belinda, crying)
Heavens, Belinda, what ails thee, child?
Belinda Oh aunt, I have been pursued all day by dark men and scurvy knaves till I know not even the way back to my own beloved herbarium. (Sits next to Lady Bellyfull on the couch to be comforted)
Lady Bellyfull What scurvy knaves, child?
Belinda One was old and fat with the face of a hog and the grossest kerchief in Christendom.
Lady Bellyfull Sir John, egad!
Belinda T’other was tall and dark and boorish.
Lady Bellyfull The son, I’ll warrant. Blood will always out.
Belinda If these be men, aunt, I swear I shall never have aught to do with them again.
Lady Bellyfull Quite right, Belinda. Tis a lesson some women needs must wait most of their lives to learn. (Aside) And plague take Sir John for placing me among their number. (Aloud) But come, niece, dry your tears and go to bed. I’ll to Sir John’s and settle these Bastards’ hash for good and all, or my name isn’t the dowager Lady Bellyfull!
These scoundrel dogs will soon pay ransom dear
For letting loose their lewd advances here.
(Exit DSL Lady Bellyfull and Belinda)
(Enter USL Blade)
Blade Scene two, the same, two seconds later.
(Earnest bursts out of the Cabinet)
Earnest Blade!
Blade Master Earnest! Have you found the lady, sir? Did all go well?
Earnest I did find the lady, Blade, and all did not go well, for not only will she now never succumb to me, but not a moment since she came perilous close to succumbing to my father!
Blade Ah. Right. Well, if you take my advice, sir –
Earnest No, Blade, if I may for once counsel you, you can take your advice and stick it right up your –
(Enter DSR Pert)
Pert Ass I live and breath, Blade! I see you have found your master.
Blade But not you your mistress?
Pert No, both are loose about the house and –
Earnest Both!?
Pert Yes, sir. I am lady in waiting to Lady Bellyfull’s twin nieces. One, Belinda, is hot and churlish as a weasel with a tongue and teeth to match while t’other, Susanna, is studious as a mouse and wishes nothing more from life than to spend her days a-delving and a-hoeing of her herbarium.
Earnest Tis the herbalist I’m interested in.
Pert The herbalist!?
Earnest Does she have a body like crushed peaches, eyes that could enflame the Pope, hair black as a sable’s shadow?
Pert No sir, that’s my mistress Belinda. Only since they are otherwise as like in looks as two bristles on a hairbrush, it could as well be a description of my mistress Susanna in her lucky gardening wig.
Earnest Lucky gardening wig!?
(Blade starts tip-toeing off but Earnest, without looking, reaches out a hand and hauls him back)
Earnest You mean I have wasted the entire afternoon pitching woo at the wrong nature-lover?
Pert Anything is possible in Liberty Hall, sir.
Earnest Blade! I blame you for this. Tis the sole bitter harvest of chicanery and deception. Through it I have lost my lady, but I have learnt my lesson. Damn my father and damn his inheritance. I shall enter a monastery and propagate peas. The tonsure may be harsh, but at least I’ll be among life forms with a greater brain capacity than any of you miserable, multitudinous, microcephalic mountebanks. Good day.
(Exits DSL)
Blade Bit emotional for a scientist, isn’t he?
Pert Well, I had better shift to be out of the house before mistress Belinda catches up with me.
Blade Why so?
Pert Because she will blame me for the tangle of this affair and seek revenge by denouncing me to her aunt. She has some vile calumny in mind concerning myself and Lord Bellyfull – (Hastily) All nonsense of course, beloved.
Blade Nay, not so hasty, Mistress Gloom. Our vested interests may still bear sweeter fruit than that master Earnest has chosen to taste. First, to protect you from Belinda’s ire, all we need do is retrieve the note she wrote my master to buy her silence vis-à-vis the aunt. Tis proof she was the prime mover in this whole imbroglio.
Pert Why, that will do it, i’faith! Belinda would never dare risk exposure of her lubricity to Lady Bellyfull, ’twould too cruelly cramp her style for the future.
Blade Go you then, run after master Earnest whilst I ponder the knottier problem of his reconciliation with mistress Susanna.
(Exit DSL Pert. Blade ponders)
Faith, tis no exaggeration I have drawn the short straw in this. Now let me see… We could claim my master is prone to fits of hysteria and madness and – No. We could say he was drunk. But he doesn’t drink. So then, because he doesn’t drink, ’twould take but little drink to make him drunk. But then, since he doesn’t drink in the first place, why would he have drunk the little drink that made him drunk in the second place? But then – Oh pox, how in thunder do these playwrights conceive their plots? Tis no light business.
(Enter DSL Pert)
Pert Blade, convolution piles on convolution! Master Earnest says he never received Belinda’s note from your hand!
Blade What!?
Pert No, sirrah, he claims he got his invitation hither straight from the lips of Susanna herself.
Blade But I don’t understand. If that be so – who the devil did I give Belinda’s note to?
(Enter DSR Cocksure)
Cocksure By all that’s poxy in the bordellos of Bombay, Blade, that was the smelliest bum steer I ever met with in my life! (Whips out the note and reads) “Lusty young wench? Liberty Hall? Ramrod and – ?” Balls! (He hurls the note in Blade’s face) The woman was as frigid as a witch’s tit, Blade, and as such would fain keep her little black pussy to herself. In consequence I have decided to do likewise with my broomstick. It’s back to the sea for me and the bestialities of Bangkok. You may not be able to understand a blind word they say, but at least you get your money’s worth, and for far less effort than I’ve had all afternoon in this lousy nest of neurotics. Say hello to dad for me.
(Exits DSR)
Blade Master Cocksure! By all the saints!
Pert What now?
Blade I have a plan.
Pert Oh God.
Blade Go and seek out mistress Susanna post haste whilst I run after my master Earnest. If we can but act quickly now and not lose our heads, all may yet fall out as we desire.
(Exits DSL)
Pert I shall comply, despairing of success.
How did I ever get into this mess?
Act Five. Dunroisterin.
(She revolves the Cabinet to reveal the curtains, strikes couch and table with tray of port and glasses, exits DSR)
(Enter USL Blade and Earnest, the latter now wearing his own brown wig)
Blade Now sir, are you certain of your part in tonight’s little masque?
Earnest Aye, though this likes me not, Blade. Tis but more base trickery and deception.
Blade God’s teeth, sir, if you do not bend your principles this once, you will never win your mistress.
Earnest Nay then, if these foul means be the only way to gain that fair end, let’s to’t.
Blade Good. Now I hear Pert approaching with the lady. Let us stand off a little and await our cue.
(Enter USL Pert and Susanna now in her own blonde wig. She gasps on seeing Earnest)
Susanna Pert! Jezebel! You said I would find myself among friends tonight.
Pert And so you are, my lady, I promise you. Pray be still a moment whilst these good gentlemen finish their prattle. (She gives Blade a thumbs up sign behind Susanna’s back)
Blade (Loudly) You were saying, sir, you met a beauteous lady on the street this morning?
Earnest (Loudly, without punctuation) Yes Blade I met a beauteous lady on the street this morning who very kindly invited me to view her herbarium this afternoon only unfortunately I was unable to avail myself of the opportunity as on a sudden I was called away to an extraordinary general meeting of the Royal Society.
Blade (Loudly) I trust this extraordinary general meeting of the Royal Society was of a sufficient interest to recompense you for your inability to visit Liberty Hall this afternoon, sir?
Earnest (Loudly) No Blade it was boring and – boring and – (He has forgotten his lines)
Pert (Coming to the rescue) Master Earnest, you remember my mistress Susanna?
Earnest Hello again, I’ve just spent the afternoon at a meeting of the Royal Society, it was boring and extraordinary.
Susanna (Coldly) Indeed, sir? Then you are not the foul beast who accosted me in Liberty Hall this afternoon?
Earnest Me, madam? Impossible. We met but once, on the street this morning. (Aside) Would that it had been a hundred times on as many streets!
Susanna But your peruke, sir, is not the same shade as I remember.
Earnest Oh, this old thing. Tis but something I throw on to attend extraordinary general meetings of the Royal Society. Pray, what colour was the wig of this vile villain who assaulted you?
(Susanna, suspecting a plot, becomes cunning)
Susanna Twas blonde, sir. As a lemon.
(Blade and Pert tense, certain Earnest is going to be thrown by this departure from the script they have prepared. But Earnest, remarkably, handles it smoothly)
Earnest Indeed, madam? Then tis no one of our acquaintance. Though had it but been black tis ten to one the rogue were my twin brother Cocksure, a base and disreputable fellow who returns from the sea on occasion to play such saucy tricks on the ladies of the town.
Blade (Aside to Earnest) Well fielded, sir.
Earnest (Aside to Blade) Aye, but I would sooner bite my tongue through than lie to the lady again.
Pert (Aside to Susanna) Now art convinced, my lady?
Susanna (Aside to Pert) My heart longs to be, Pert, but my head would fain inquire further before it commits itself. (Aloud) Sir, this brother Cocksure – knows he aught of flowers?
Earnest Not a jot, by this hand.
Susanna Then if you are who you claim to be, can you tell me what this is? (Produces the famous flower)
Earnest Certainly, madam. Tis a multi-floral verbinium with contra-veined leaf pattern and variegated foliage.
Susanna Earnest!
Earnest Susanna!
(They embrace)
Pert Blade!
Blade Pert!
(They embrace)
Come to my parlour, madam. We have much tender petting to catch up on. And I warrant these two shall find no less private matter to amuse ’em also.
Pert The pleasure will be all mine, dearest.
B;ade (Aside) It better not be.
(Exit USL Pert and Blade)
Earnest My lady Susanna, you have made this the happiest day of my life. Would that you’d agree to make it the happiest night also.
Susanna How, sir?
Earnest By becoming my wife. (He kneels) Susanna, will you make me the happiest horticulturalist in the world by letting me prick out and harden off in your lady garden?
Susanna You mean you would graft your cutting into my nick?
Earnest To the root, my darling!
Susanna Plough me like a paddock, my dearest! (She leaps onto his knee)
(Enter DSL Lady Bellyfull with a raised croquet mallet)
Lady Bellyfull What! Lechery, niece?
Susanna (Leaping up) Lady Bellyfull!
Lady Bellyfull So, miss, this is your botany is it? It looks to me like a horse radish of a very different colour.
Earnest Lady Bellyfull, I can explain –
Susanna No, Earnest, allow me. Aunt, I have never dallied before, but a chance encounter with my lord Earnest on the street today convinced me, for the first time ever, that there is a thing in life which transcends botany. Love, Lady Bellyfull, shall be my constant study henceforth – with mayhap a jot of second generation cross-fertilisation to spice the research.
Lady Bellyfull I see, child. Well, if a fellow petal-peddler is all that will do for you, you’d best keep hold of this one for I dare wager you’ll never find another of his peculiar ilk.
Earnest Thank you, Lady Bellyfull.
Lady Bellyfull (Suspicious) However, I must say he has a damn suspicious look of Sir John Bastard about him.
Earnest Yes, madam. Sir John is my father.
Lady Bellyfull Then you must have been the vile viper who so abused my bosom this afternoon! Susanna, guard thyself!
Susanna No, aunt, we have cleared that thicket already. Earnest has a twin brother who has since fled back to sea after so importuning us all.
Lady Bellyfull All, niece? You mean the rampant stag bethought himself to rut with you too?
Susanna (Indignantly) Earnest is not a rampant stag.
Lady Bellyfull I was referring to his father. I mean the brother. I mean – Oh, what’s the difference, they’re all Bastards.
Susanna Then I own I was indeed pursued by a further hot-eyed lecher, but if the villain were indeed Sir John, then I see I must forgive rather than condemn his outrage, since any other course would be most imprudent for a prospective daughter-in-law.
Lady Bellyfull You are wise beyond your years, niece, with an enviable sweet nature to boot. I, however, am not, and my boots are anything but sweet. Tis a pity to miss my revenge on the sibling, but twill only double the venom I would heap on the sire.
Earnest Will you not join us in a toast to our future, Lady Bellyfull?
Lady Bellyfull Not yet, sir. I hear Sir John approaching and would begin the chastisement forthwith.
Earnest Then we wish you joy of it, madam. Give him one from me.
(Exit USL Earnest and Susanna)
Lady Bellyfull Now I’ll have the dog.
(Enters the Cabinet, closing the curtains behind her)
(Enter USR Sir John)
Sir John Pox, what mean these candles in the middle of the night? Does that damn rascal Blade think I’m made o’ wax?
(Lady Bellyfull bursts from the Cabinet, croquet mallet raised)
Lady Bellyfull Not wax, sirrah! Scum! Filth! Perfidy incarnate!
Sir John God’s tonsils, tis the great Lady of the Flies herself!
(Lady Bellyfull chases him about the room, wielding the mallet)
Lady Bellyfull You pursued my poor innocent nieces this afternoon through every closet and corridor of Liberty Hall and I have come to call you to account. What, my fiancé after my nieces? Why, tis damn near incest, sir, and the courts have a cure for that!
(Sir John cowers in a corner)
Sir John Ah, Lady Bellyfull, I admit I may have pottered after thy nieces a pace or two. But I claim a fuddled head, madam. A drop too much o’ that fine port of yours –
Lady Bellyfull (Interrupting) A sot of your calibre running goatish on two drops o’ port? Nay, twill not do, Sir John. (Sweetly) Try again.
Sir John Ah. Right. (Inspiration) Well, I have a twin brother you know, a vile unruly creature who returns from the sea occasionally in order to –
Lady Bellyfull (Slamming the mallet down) Sir John! You are a walking menace to the innocent maidens of the town and I feel it is my duty to protect them from you. (Aside) Besides, five years is a long time for a widow to go without a bit of bundle and bounce. (Aloud) Marry me tonight and we shall forget about this wretched affair with my nieces.
Sir John Marry you, madam? Pox, I would rather bugger Blade!
Lady Bellyfull The alternative is death, sir, by this hand and this croquet mallet. Either you lie with me this night as a husband, or lie alone the next as a corpse. Choose.
Sir John (Aside) The bitch has me. I would as lief choose death, only I boggle at what method she would use to achieve it. (Aloud) I yield, madam. Tis late and I would to bed anyway. Send for your parson and have done.
Lady Bellyfull Good, then. I shall apprise my new son-in-law of the news.
(Exits USL)
Sir John God’s teeth, what a sea of a day this has been! Nought but peaks and troughs from nightingale to nightjar.
(Enter USL Earnest with two glasses of drink)
Earnest Sir John, this is wondrous news indeed. Here, I have brought you a glass of wine that you might drink to my happiness also.
Sir John Your happiness, sirrah? Don’t tell me you’ve just grown another pansy?
Earnest No, sir. I am to marry Lady Bellyfull’s niece, Susanna.
Sir John Marry – ? Out o’ pise, you have balls in your britches after all!
Earnest Indeed, sir. (Aside) And I own I never felt more pleased to possess them than at this moment.
Sir John Then I shall drink a toast to ye, sir, and ye shall have your inheritance in the morning. (He takes one of the glasses and knocks it back) This news has bucked me up no end. I warrant I’ll yet be able to give the old porker a run for her money after all. To you and your lady, sir. (He takes the second glass and knocks that back too) I go to strike the first blow against mine.
(Exits USL with both glasses)
Earnest Aye, I have won my lady right enough, but at what price? I have spent the day in a filthy wig not my own, played upon my lady’s good faith as twere a fiddle, and generally lied like a poet to win her love. Honest Earnest? Nay, I am but a steaming, dirt-stained tool of the devil, and my integrity lies about my feet like a ponging pile of putridity. No triumph there, I trow, and life will be but a shallow, shadowy thing without it.
(Enter USL Blade)
Blade Sir, will you not rejoin our celebration? In his new-found mood of goodwill, Sir John has given me a generous bounty and Pert and I are to be married at last.
Earnest Loyal Blade! I wish you joy of both indeed. And I pray you forgive my harsh words of this afternoon. You and your maid have contrived my happiness more dextrously than ever I dared think possible, and I owe you much.
Blade Twas but the duty of a devoted slave, sir. (Aside) Indeed, twas such a pleasurable experience I may even try acting out of altruism again sometime!
(Enter USL Susanna)
Susanna Earnest, will you not come in and revel, sir?
Earnest I shall, Susanna. But first I would unbutton myself to you.
(Susanna gasps and turns away modestly)
Blade Nay, sir, tis barely an hour till bedtime –
Earnest No, Blade. It is my wish and God’s will that I should say this. If I do not, my conscience will prick the rest of my life, and I believe the fewer pricks that come up between husband and wife, the better. Susanna, in my desire to win you today, I stooped to chicanery. I was at Liberty Hall this afternoon, and it was I who pursued you in the dark guise of my brother Cocksure. Although my base trickery was but an act, twas nevertheless I the actor, and so I must bear the full consequences of my farce. Can you forgive me?
(He kneels penitently. Susanna turns away and thinks seriously for a moment)
Susanna Sir. Had you but kept this to yourself, I might have married you and the falsehood together, never realising my husband was a lying, deceitful charlatan of the basest kind.
(Earnest hangs his head sorrowfully. Susanna turns to him)
But since you have confessed all, I see you are nobility personified and I shall never fear another lie from your lips again. I pardon you right gladly, and love you fifty times the more for it!
(She rushes to him. They kiss, and he sweeps her off her feet and into his arms)
Earnest Then, madam, let’s to church and leave the others to their frivolities. You and I shall henceforth live only on perfect truth and contentment.
Susanna Nay, sir, you seem to be displaying signs of frivolity now.
Earnest On the contrary, Susanna, I’ve only realised for the first time in my life the vital importance of being Earnest.
(He carries her off DSL, both laughing heartily)
Blade Awww…
And so our play is done, but since it’s art,
Remember there’s a message at its heart.
Tis simply this: it’s best to play yourself,
Since lech’ry may be harmful to your – er – healf.
Now as we part and go our sep’rate ways,
May truth and mildness tend you all your days.
(Blade backs into the Cabinet, bowing, and pulls the curtains shut behind him)
THE END
As Blade with Ann R
PS
Of all my plays, this little pastiche is the one which has received the most productions – three different versions so far – which is surprising given the technical demands it makes of both set designer and actors.
It grew out of the little parody I had tossed together for the company to read at the cast party after a run of Vanbrugh’s The Provok’d Wife at the Little Theatre in Bristol. I’ve always enjoyed writing pastiche, and since the party piece seemed to go down well, I thought I’d try and work it up into something more substantial. The doubling of the leads might be gimmicky, but I felt the challenge would increase the pleasure of both the audience and the performers, and the Cabinet – which, I think, is a rather brilliant little stroke of genius, frankly – was as much a way of paring down the set as it was an operational necessity.
I first entered it in an amateur competition in Bridgwater where it received its inaugural production by the very brave One Off Productions company. The adjudicators gave it short shrift, considering it a pale rip-off of Shakespeare’s “least inspiring” comedy The Comedy of Errors. My immediate thought was that this was an unfair comparison – just because Shakespeare failed to make a success of his idea involving two sets of identical twins didn’t mean I couldn’t… But protesting would have been futile. Reference was also made to Blackadder which I suppose was inevitable (it was set in the past and had a lot of rude wordplay), but the cast won an award for the best ensemble performance, which I thought was only fair, given how hard they had to work in comparison to the other finalists, which favoured conventional sets and lots of middle-class types standing around languishing in anguish. We’ve all been there, love. At least mine gave people a few laffs while they were out, and I hope, one day, it may get the chance to do so again. Mr Mackintosh, you know where to reach me.