Wedding Rehearsal
A TV PRODUCER talks the latest young royals through their positions for the big day. They are attentive, eager to please. It must be played completely straight, with no undue emphasis.
PRODUCER: Okay sir, so you get to the altar, in long shot, with the best man about here, right?
PRINCE: Right.
PRODUCER: And your gracious mother and father about here.
PRINCE: Ma and pa over there.
PRODUCER: Quick kneel and pray. ‘Bless us, oh Holy Father’, all that.
PRINCE: Just a quickie.
PRODUCER: Then at this point, Queen fucks off back to her pew ready for the bride’s entrance.
PRINCE: Queen fucks off, yes.
PRODUCER: King fucks off with her.
PRINCE: Pater fucks off with, right.
PRODUCER: Wife comes stonking down – (greeting congregation) ‘Morning, morning.’ Ends up standing about here, okay?
PRINCE: Excellent.
PRINCESS: Where is my mother at this point?
PRODUCER: Well, she’s already fucked off over here, yeah?
PRINCESS: Got it.
PRODUCER: Then when your dad’s got you to this point, he fucks off to here.
PRINCESS: Yes.
PRODUCER: ’Course, the bridesmaids have already fucked off by the time you reach this point.
PRINCESS: They fuck off just inside the nave?
PRODUCER: They fuck off just inside the nave, right. We’ll have a close-up of them to please all their mummies.
PRINCE: And what about my grandmother?
PRODUCER: Well, she’s already safely fucked off out of it before you come in. She won’t be a problem.
PRINCE: Great.
PRODUCER: Okay, quick recap. Queen fucks off here.
PRINCE: Queen fucks off.
PRODUCER: Bridesmaids fuck off here.
PRINCESS: Fuck off, bridesmaids.
PRINCE: We do the doings.
PRODUCER: ‘With my body, blah blah.’
PRINCESS: Then we all fuck off back up the Palace.
PRODUCER: For the piss-up, right.
PRINCE: Splendid. Just as well to get it straight, isn’t it, darling?
PRINCESS: Rather. Don’t want any fuck-ups spoiling the dignity of the occasion do we?
PS
I bloody loved writing this one. I think it was Charles and Diana. The show I wrote it for rejected it. Still don’t know why. But I’ll only really be happy when it ceases to have any relevance at all.