A Room With A Revue
THE OPENING SONG
We’ve been saving up instead of raving up through the Easter break
The puns and jokes that make you groan.
Now it’s Eighth Week and so we may speak our punchlines way out loud
Not caring if the crowd does moan.
We’d just like to wish you welcome to St Catz.
We hope you all wiped your feet on the mats.
Now just enjoy the show, there’s two more hours to go, we’ve locked all the doors,
And you and yours are on your own.
A Room With a Revue, that’s new,
There’s not a lot of those about, for Gawd’s sake keep the critics out, who
Would carp and scoff.
An Oxford revue, true blue,
So sort out all the prompting sheets, chain the audience to their seats, who
Would want to clear off.
We have prepared the props and programmes, the cast is in the wings,
Looking pale and sweating, poor things.
The jokes are all new, a few
Were nicked but who would ever care? Benny Hill would never dare sue
Our Room With a Revue.
I’ve just seen the lighting crew lolling about and fighting through seven cans of beer.
The directors are both here in a rage.
They are still having fits, cutting out and adding bits to scenarios
Disturbing our repose backstage.
We’re determined to enjoy this evening’s show.
If you don’t laugh, we won’t let you go.
There’s nothing left to do, chase the cowards from the loo they’ll miss all the art.
If you’re ready then we’ll start on the first page.
A Room With a Revue, it’s true,
An audience to laugh at it, throw yourselves about a bit, who
Knows how it starts?
I haven’t a clue. Have you?
This is a new experiment we just indulge our acting bent, cue
The purple hearts.
The show will be a flipping marvel, we’ll blow your cosmic minds
If we don’t go forgetting our lines.
There’s no more to do, let’s rue
The day we got involved in it. Here’s the public, welcome it to
Our Room With a Revue.
1975
THE CLOSING SONG
And now our show has run its promised hour and a half.
We hope you made the most of it, we hope you had a laugh.
This is the sad and sorry part where we must bid adieu
But hang about a moment more, there’s one more song to do.
That’s it – we’ve no more jokes to tell, we’ve no more wine to sell on the door.
That’s all – you can admit the char, we’ll see you in the bar next door.
A lot of people saw our great production,
It was getting on for six, that’s my deduction.
Take heart – we’ll soon be back again, we’ll play to nine or ten or more.
On the stage we leave the remnants of our evening’s fun,
Discarded bits of script and half a wig.
On the blackboard at the back you see he cues were written big
So we wouldn’t make a muck of every pun.
Three cheers – we’ve played another night, it went without the slightest slip.
Top hole – we’ll share the profits round. They ought to buy a bag of chips.
There’s a mob of muggers waiting at the exit,
We must make a mad dash when they least expect it.
Let’s go – we’ll leave them in the stalls. Let’s hope we give them all the slip.
In the wings the writers drown their sorrows in strong beer,
The lighting crew are munching coloured pills.
The production team en masse was last seen heading for the hills
With a herd of ripped-off students in the rear.
Hooray – let’s take our final bow, the show is over now I fear.
Whoopee – ignore their savage cries, will we apologise? No fear!
At least we all thought what we did was funny,
If you didn’t that’s too bad, we’ve got your money.
Right on – get pen and paper out, it’s time to think about next year,
And if you’re lucky, we’ll see you all again next year.
Where is the exit? We’ll see you all again next year.
Who’s got the kitty? We’ll see you all again next years.
When is the party? We’ll see you all again next year.
Unplug the pianist. We’ll see you all again next year.
Please start applauding. We’ll see you all again next year.
1975
PS
Here’s a top tip. If you want to get your audience on your side at the start of your comedy show, ready to laugh and have a good time, for fuck’s sake don’t spend the first five minutes telling them how awful it’s going to be. This was the mistake I made with the opening song for my very first revue, A Room With a Revue at St Catherine’s College, Oxford in 1975. The title was mine, and don’t you go thinking it was the worst I came up with. (That was probably I’ll Revue Again.) I must have been going through a Noël Coward phase. Not that I noticed, I was simply so over-stimulated at the prospect of performing in a show at last that I was all over it like a big fluffy dog. I wrote sketches and songs. I attended all the script meetings. I even designed the poster. I must have been a right pain in the arse.
But, God, it was exciting. I had never been on stage before uni and it was only in my second term that I had finally managed to find the courage to try performing in my college folk club. In the early days I played it safe by sticking strictly to tried and true material from other hands, like Ralph McTell, Pete Atkin, Jake Thackray and fellow Bristolian Fred Wedlock. It was the funny stuff by the latter two that always went down best, and in no time I was hooked on the heroin of laughter. I came to know it and love it and crave it and set about trying to get more of it into my life, as much as I could cram, as much as I could create. It’s a decision I never regretted. But judging by this effort, I obviously still had a lot to learn.
PPS
Here’s a top tip. If you want to send your audience home at the end of your comedy show feeling happy and satisfied that it was a worthwhile use of their time, for fuck’s sake don’t spend the last five minutes telling them how awful it’s been. This was the mistake I made with the closing song for my very first revue, A Room With a Revue at St Catherine’s College, Oxford in 1975. Bloody lucky it didn’t turn out to be my last…